Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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