They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
