you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize
