I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
Who died my cat blue again?
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
Randomize
