omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
Randomize
