What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Randomize
