So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
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