there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
sarcasm needs its own font
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
Randomize
