Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
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