apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
I don't know. The next thing I remember we were in the walmart parking lot making out.
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Randomize
