whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
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