hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
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