I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
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