Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? 😭😭
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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