THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
