i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
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