I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
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