I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Randomize
