You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
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