I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
