i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Randomize
