i think my mom watched the whole time
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
