My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
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