i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
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