did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
