The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
it doesn't count as moral degradation if you win the strip off -right?
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
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