Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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