I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
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