I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
I'm always down for nudity.
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