were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
Randomize
