I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Randomize
