Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
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