i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
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