Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
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