Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Randomize
