Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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