He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
