and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
Randomize
