Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
