It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
