I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize
