OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Randomize
