Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Randomize
