remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
Randomize
