Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
