Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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