$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Randomize
