I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
