i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
