i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
Randomize
