Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Randomize
